Testimony by Virginia Wiley

Setting The Captive Free

For most of my life, I was so controlled by anxiety that the slightest thing would start me worrying obsessively. Once I was 10 minutes late to work. I starting worrying that, even though I was almost never late, my boss would start thinking I was a bad worker. What if he fired me? If he fired me, I would never find another job! Then I started wondering what I should do. Should I talk to my boss? But what if he hadn’t really thought about firing me, and talking to him would give him the idea? But if I didn’t talk to him, maybe he would fire me. I was making myself sick. I called a friend who said leave it in God’s hands. I did that for 5 minutes and then the cycle started again. I called another friend who said the same thing, but her words had no effect and I became more frantic. I called my small group leader who said the same thing. I hung up even more fearful than ever, so I re-called my friends again. Nothing helped. I went to bed terrified of being fired.

That was how I lived my life, every single day.

I was so enslaved to anxiety I couldn’t live a normal life. When my counselor showed me that anxiety had taken God’s place in my life, it was a real eye-opener and I knew I wanted to give my anxiety to Jesus. All hell broke out when I decided to learn to trust God. I had to switch psychiatric medications and had horrible side effects-violent neck contractions, bruising, nausea, chest pain, uncontrollable jerking such that that my already bad handwriting was now illegible, canker sores, and heavy sweating. When my doctor said these symptoms might not ever go away, I plunged into a deep valley of despair.

God continued to speak to me through my counselor and others who said reading the Bible and praying would start to make space for God and help me become more stable. So I began regular quiet times. I would read over and over the promises of God in his word. I would call on Jesus whenever I felt despair because people were staring at me because of my jerking. I would call out to Jesus 40-50 times in a 4- hour shift. I learned to expect him to help me when I asked. And he did! Beautiful, kind, loving Jesus heard me every time and I could feel his presence with me every minute.

After 4 months of my symptoms getting worse, my pastors prayed and anointed me with oil. My handwriting was healed immediately and was better than it had been for many many years. My side effects began to improve and they are almost though not quite gone. But the biggest miracle is how God used the most excruciating time I’ve ever been through, to change how I live my life. Here is what I learned:

I do not have to go constantly to others, but can go to Jesus first.

I can hear God for myself, and make my own decisions with his help.

I can have relationships with people that are not based just on getting advice.

I must take time to be with God through prayer and reading the Bible.

I must take my weakness seriously – "that when I let the anxiety take over me, it is meaning that I believe that God is not able to handle the thing I am anxious about," I have to repent and go back to God saying this is "not right" and begin again to accept God’s power to change me.

I have learned and I am still learning that God is sufficient and is deeply committed to my wholeness. I have learned and I am still growing in learning how to put my anxious thoughts in their proper place-in God’s hands. I am not perfect at it and sometimes my anxiety gets too big but now I know how to stop, give it to God and to start again.

Virginia Wiley